I was walking my dog this morning up a main street with lots of cars passing by. I don’t like that it’s on
the main rd but I come to this spot intentionally cos it has a big hill. So we made it to the top and it veers
off down a quiet street. I noticed I was breathing in the flowers, the trees, absorbing the sun..
Then when we were coming back down the hill, past all the cars, there was tension in my body.
I would go into kind of a false-confidence, like I didn’t care that cars were passing, watching me- even
though I clearly did.

I had stopped breathing in nature and there was tension- I had gone into a protector.
I started to get curious as I walked. How was this tension and pretend not-caring familiar?

A memory surfaced. I was in my early 20’s, at a time when I was about 120kgs, wearing a dress I really
liked. It was green and flowy, I was walking down a main street into the city centre feeling good. Then a
car with 2 guys my age stopped at the lights where I was crossing the street. One of them yelled out
“You look like a circus tent!” and the gem of a passenger yelled “Yeah! With lots of animals inside!”. I
pretended I didn’t care and kept walking.

It wasn’t safe at the time to acknowledge or process the shame and upset, so it was still sitting there,
keeping me stuck in this aspect when similar situations arose – the main rd triggered it.

So I jumped back to that moment and acknowledged the hurt. That moment fucking sucked.
I breathed out the shame and hurt.
I worked with that moment directly, and brought in relief.
I had no idea this was still effecting my daily life. Even to the point of choosing clothes. I see so many
cute work-out outfits but I always wear leggings and a baggy jumper on my walk.

Sometimes these things can be so subtle.
Tension and anxiety are always pointing to something deeper. Get curious about those states when they arise. Dig a little deeper.

1. What am I feeling in my body
2. How is this feeling familiar?

If you need support processing, I’m here to help.

 

Natasha xo